Wombats On The Rampage

Wombats are once again on the rampage terrorizing the streets. Digging in trash cans, beating up young neighborhood children, and in recent days arson cause by wombats are sending entire neighborhoods into an uproar. In this last year alone 47 of the phoned in reports to the Minneapolis, MN Police and Fire Departments were wombat related. Now, local residents are turning to law enforcement to solve this problem. Mary Goodwrite stated, “My young son Billy has been beaten up 6 times on his way home from his school this year. He even tried busting a cap on that young wombats ass, but he still came home with several bruises from the scuffle.” The Cleveland Ohio Police currently took the stance of no comment on this present situation, but reassured the neighborhood officials that this problem was not being taken lightly and solutions were in the works. “I’m getting real tired of going out on call every night and having to deal with these fuzzy bastard creatures,” said local Barrington, VA officer Daniel Curran “finally some attention is being paid to this ongoing problem." However, not everyone has jumped on the Wombat killing wagon. Local animal rights groups have once again stuck their big heads into where they don’t belong. FAT (Free Animals Today) mentioned publicly that this wombat crime spree was not related to the wombats themselves but more to the little attention that was given them by their recent owners. “If people would only understand that it’s not wild wombats causing these problems, but frightened, neglected wombats who've escaped from abusive owners they we could use compassion and affection to help these normally docile marsupials”, said the FAT’s current vice president Albert Mintz. Obviously FAT is just a large group of overly compassionate losers who have nothing better to do then worry about 22 pound endangered rats. So what can be done in your local homes to protect yourselves from these enraged creatures? We here at “The Stag” recommend a 4/10 shotgun. Not powerful enough to blow through the wall and hurt your sister in the next room but definitely enough to blast through that thick Wombat skin and make the bile come out.
"It's time these marsupials paid the price!"-Dr. Martin Luther King